The Iceberg

I admit that this is horrible, but DAMN is it funny.

A little background:

Kevin Everett played football for the Buffalo Bills. He suffered a serious spinal cord injury in a game three weeks ago and it looked for awhile as if he might not survive. Since then he has shown miraculous progress and doctors now believe he will one day walk again.

Check out the video.

A word of advice for anyone learning (but haven’t yet mastered) a foreign language. Think twice before you try to say something clever in that language.

Not long after I arrived in Korea, I had a class that will always hold special memories for me. It was one of my favorite classes of all time. Everyday was a new adventure. There was fantastic chemistry among the students. So well did they get along, in fact, that they didn’t need me to create any sort of a mood. More often than not the class was already in full gear by the time I walked through the door.

One evening the class was more offbeat than usual. It was a Friday and the students were looking forward to having a drink together after class, and it showed. One girl in her mid-20s was acting particularly silly, making jokes every other minute that were mostly funny but sometimes not. Because I had a good rapport with this class, I decided after one of her goofier cracks to tease her. However, being the clever fella that I am (or so I think), I decided to speak to her in Korean. I looked at her and said,

“Wow! (You’re a) crazy girl!”

or, as I understood it in Korean,

“와! 미친 녀.”

Those of you who understand Korean are already either laughing or cringing, but for those of you that don’t, let me explain. The nuance of “crazy girl” as it is expressed in English is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from its meaning in Korean. I did not know this at the moment I uttered those fateful words, but you can be sure that within five seconds after the last syllable left my mouth I was fully aware that I’d said something wrong.

The girl’s smile dropped into a frown and her face at first whitened and then turned a deep red. She started shaking and looked as if she wanted to say something, but she didn’t have the chance because the other students’ pre-”crazy girl” laughter was met by an immediate hush and then unanimously replaced by an astonished, “Oh no! You shouldn’t say that. That’s bad.”

Now, I may not be too smart, but I’m not a complete idiot. I knew I had some ’splainin’ to do. Watching tears well up in the girl’s eyes, I told her that I meant the phrase from the English perspective and not the Korean perspective - which I now plainly understood was bad. Of course she was not a psycho nut bitch from hell. She was just being silly. That’s what I meant.

One by one the other students came around and the mood slowly picked back up. The girl who was the victim of my verbal clumsiness took a little longer to forgive me, but eventually she too let it go and by the end of the class things were back to normal. We even went out for beers afterward.

But I refrained from speaking Korean the rest of the night.

Summer 2004. It was the first day of class at the hagwon* where I used to work and each new student - a mix of businesspeople, university students, and baek soo/jo** - took a turn sharing something interesting about themselves.

One girl in her early 20s, perhaps the fifth or sixth of about twelve students to speak, told everyone that she was studying Chinese in university. I asked her if she could speak Chinese. “Of course,” she replied, “I lived in China for four years.”

Master of Goofiness that I am, I felt sudden inspiration.

“I can speak Chinese too,” I said and continued on, uttering complete nonsense, “Shing shong sun hao fun me hong fu she mao wa.”

The class broke into laughter for a good thirty seconds (wow! I didn’t expect that much of a reaction) before settling down. Suddenly the woman sitting next to the university student turned to her and asked in Korean,

“So what did he say?”

*hagwon (학원) - a private institute
**baek soo (백수) & baek jo (백조) - terms used for someone who is unemployed (baek soo is for males and baek jo is for females)

This is about as cute as it gets.

Cheer up little buddy. We’ve all been there.

Thanks to JiMong at “I Dream Therefore I Am” for the link.

This is the new soap that I am using.

That’s right. I’ve made the switch to Happy Bath Olive and - you know what? - I can honestly say that my baths (showers, actually) have never been happier.

Happy Bath Olive has a nice, fresh scent, lathers up nicely (kudos to the disc shape), and leaves your skin neither too dry nor too oily.

So head to your local supermarket and pick up your Happy Bath Olive today.

Iceberg note: This is the first of a series of stories/anecdotes of some of the more interesting experiences (non-lewd category) that I have had while living in Korea. So pull up a chair and lend Uncle Iceberg your ear.

A few years back (in 2001, I believe), a Korean-American friend, his middle-aged male Korean student and I decided to go a “dan lan joo jum” (단란주점). For those of you who do not know, a dan lan joo jum is a cheaper version of a room salon. Basically, it’s a norae bang (singing/karaoke room) that serves alcohol and provides the option of (usually) sexy (usually) young women to sing and dance (and maybe do other stuff) with you. Oh yeah, and they (the dan lan joo jum) are usually operated by Korean gangsters.

We wandered about the back alleys near Gangnam Station looking for a good place to go. Honestly, I haven’t the slightest idea how to determine from the outside looking in which places are good or bad. We were approached by a bbi kki - the guy who tries to lure customers into the bar - who told us that we could have a fruit plate, six bottles of beer, a bottle of (cheap) whiskey, and three girls for 300,000 won. Knowing how these things worked, my friend and his student double- and triple-checked the price. “Nothing to worry about,” said the smallish bbi kki. He guaranteed that the price would be 300,000.

We went inside and drank the whiskey and beers but to our dismay the girls, though attractive enough, weren’t fun enough, so we decided to move on. When it was time to settle up, the bill came out to 800,000 won. Surprise, surprise. The middle-aged student took out his wallet to pay but my friend wouldn’t have it. He used to be a member of a gang in LA (so he tells me) and was not intimidated by what he considered “amateurish” Korean gangsters. Long story short, after some back and forth and a couple of staredowns, the bill was lowered to 450,000 and the middle-aged student, who wanted nothing to do with the situation, paid.

(A quick aside: During the skirmish, I received a phone call from another friend. Our conversation consisted of nothing more than his asking me my plans for the evening, but the girls - not understanding English - thought that I was requesting help. They scurried toward me, locked their arms in mine and pleaded, “오빠! 왜 그러세요? 전화를 좀 끊으세요.” (”Why are you doing this? Please hang up the phone.”). I laughed and - fending off the hostesses’ attempts to take my phone - told my friend I’d call him later.)

The tension of the dan lan joo jum episode behind us, we set off in pursuit of our next destination. My friend, who just ten minutes prior had the look of murder in his eyes, was jovial. We laughed and joked about his student (who earlier looked as if he would piss himself) and the girls. Suddenly my friend stopped and the smile on his face immediately disappeared and was replaced once again by the look of murder. “Hang on a second,” he blurted and off he went down the street.

I looked up ahead and saw the bbi kki. He wasn’t looking in our direction and therefore didn’t see my friend approaching. My friend grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him between two buildings.

“How much did you say the room would cost?” my friend asked him, holding him by the collar. The bbi kki, completely stunned by this turn of events, remained silent. My friend pushed him up against a building and asked him again, “How much did you tell us the room was?!?!”

From seemingly out of nowhere there appeared no less than six gangsters who lined up behind my friend. Oblivious to their presence, my friend tightened his grip around the bbi kki’s collar and continued his interrogation. “Oh shit,” I thought, “this is going to get ugly.” I walked up to within a couple of feet of the gangsters, preparing to do what little I could to help out my friend should they decide to jump him. But they just stood there - arms crossed and striking poses. I actually sort of admired their patience.

Finally one of them spoke up, “Hey! Why are you acting like this in front of your foreign friend? You’re making Korea look bad.”

I guess courage is contagious because, upon hearing what the gangster said, I defiantly responded, “He’s not making Korea look bad. You’re making Korea look bad.”

I didn’t quite know what to expect after that. Would they take my words as a challenge? Would they get in my face? Would they jump me and my friend? Were we about to get the shit beat out of us?

None of the above. The gangsters turned to me and, eyes widening and faces brightening, said, “와! 한구말 잘 하시네?!” (Wow! You sure speak Korean well!).

From that very moment the tension in the air completely dissipated. It was as if they had totally forgotten about my friend and the bbi kki as they all gathered around me and asked me the exact same questions that nearly every Korean who doesn’t speak English asks when they first discover I can speak their language.

“How did you learn Korean?”
“Why did you come to Korea?”
“Can you eat kimchi?”
“What do you think of Korean girls?”

And, of course, they paid me a few obligatory compliments.

We talked for a couple of minutes and then I told my friend to just leave the bbi kki be and let’s get going. I said my good-byes to the gangsters and we went on our way.

Time to break out an old cliche. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Led by Adrian Peterson (15 pts.), Tony Romo (14), and the 3-point homefield advantage, the Andres survived for their third straight win to open the season, a 61-59 victory over the Hwayang Wangjabyungs. It’s the latest stunning result for the Cinderella Andres (oooh, “Cinderella Andres“…bossman Andre likes). Last year, the Andres didn’t collect their third win until the eighth week of the season.

The 61 points were only the eighth-highest in the twelve-team IKKFL this week, but a win is a win. Sitting at the opposite end of the luck spectrum last weekend were the Hahoe Mask Drama, who scored the second-highest number of points with 88, but had the misfortune of playing the team that scored the most - the Wonju Wobblers (who had 90 points…including the 3-point homefield edge). Hahahaha! That’s rough. Wonju will need a similar performance to have a chance as the Andres expect to be back in form when they visit the Wobblers next weekend.

Going into last weekend, I looked over the defensive match-ups for some of my players (Romo vs. Chicago, James vs. Baltimore, Walker vs. Jacksonville, Gates vs. Green Bay, Holt and Wilkins vs. Tampa Bay) and suspected that points would be hard to come by. I was right - points were hard to come by - but not because of the defenses. Romo and Gates (11 pts.) did just fine and Holt (6 pts.) overcame as well as he could a horrific performance by his quarterback. James also scored six points from ten receiving yards and 57 yards rushing. The thing is, he got his 57 yards on only ten carries! He broke a 33-yard run on his first carry of the game and then only got the ball nine more times. What’s up with that Whisenheimer??? And Walker? One point from ten yards receiving. And only two catches? C’mon Jay (Cutler)!!! On behalf of Edge and Javon, I shall quote Terrell Owens: Just give them the damn ball! To Wilkins (zero points, two missed fgs) and the Carolina Panthers defense (only one sack, five points versus Atlanta), I will say this: You’re treading on thin ice. Bossman Andre is frowning.

Here are the IKKFL standings after three weeks:

BAEKCHE DIVISION (W-L-T GB PF PA)
Anyang Andres 3-0-0 - 250 198
Konkuk Blood Mages 3-0-0 - 248 187
BuPyeong Silverbacks 2-1-0 1 218 158
Hwayang Wangjabyungs 1-2-0 2 200 203

SHILLA DIVISION
Wonju Wobblers 2-1-0 - 226 215
Busan Power Outage 1-1-1 .5 184 230
Hahoe Mask Drama 1-2-0 1 209 200
Ansan Blue Poo 0-2-1 1.5 197 200

GOGURYEO DIVISION
Gangnam Georiae Namjas 2-1-0 - 200 205
Oh Roh Gi Boong Oh Baang 1-2-0 1 179 194
Songdo City Galbitangs 1-2-0 1 172 218
Itaewon Sweet Life 0-3-0 2 149 224

Unfortunately she didn’t sing.

I’ve never been able to understand why Korean audiences are willing to accept that the majority of their “above ground” performers don’t sing at a live concert. I mean, sure, it was nice to see Ivy shake her thang on stage, but c’mon! she’s supposed to be a singer! On the other hand, the concert was free. And the choreography was better than anything Britney Spears has done recently.

At any rate, she does have one of the nicest bodies in the lip-synching business. Have a look for yourself.

Much to my dismay, she didn’t wear a skirt for last night’s performance, but she looked good anyway. Here is some video that I shot. Don’t be put off by the ballad (or the jacket) at the beginning. It gets better.

Some fans “root” for their favorite teams while others, well, they do this.

(Maybe NSFW)

The Anyang Andres improved to 2-0 last weekend with an 84-80 win over the Ansan Blue Poo. Number Two Andre* (Johnson) of the Houston Texans led a balanced attack with 18 points. The bad news is that he sprained his posterior cruciate ligament and is doubtful for next weekend. The good news is the Andres are deeper than Barry White’s pillow talk voice at wide receiver. Javon Walker of the Broncos is ready to come off the bench and fill in for Johnson.

After two weeks, three teams remain undefeated. Unfortunately, they are all in the same (Baekchae) division. I’m not worried though. Anyang still leads the league in points with 192** (29 more than the next best team). And this is the year of the Andre. (Actually, it’s the year of the pig (NSFW), but that’s close enough.)

The Andres’ next foe: the Hwayang Wangjabyungs. When Andre is through with them, they’ll be known as the Hwayang Byungari.

*Number One of course being Bossman Andre Kim.

**If you happened to read the previous Anyang Andres post, you may be thinking that 111 plus 84 equals 195 - and you’d be right. But three of the 111 points the first week came courtesy of “home field advantage” and are not calculated into total points.