The Iceberg

Now that’s more like it. For the first time in the franchise’s existence, the Andres (formerly the Crack Addicts) have a winning record. Sure, they are only 1-0, but for a team that suffered through a 4-10 record last year, it’s a good start. Not only did the Andres win, they completely annihilated the Busan Power Outage, 88-48. To provide some perspective, the second-highest point total of the opening weekend was 59. (UPDATE: The league scoring system was changed back to last year’s version, so the final score was Anyang 111, Busan 62. The second-highest point total was 75.)

More signs that this season is going to be a good one: On opening weekend last year, the Crack Addicts’ starting quarterback - Trent Green - was knocked out (literally) for most of the season and I was resigned to suffer with Rex Grossman and Steve McNair. This year, the Andres’ seventh-round steal - running back Adrian Peterson - is likely to get the bulk of the carries for Minnesota as a result of his teammate Chester Taylor’s injury on opening weekend. No ill will toward Taylor, but give the damn ball to Peterson!

The Andres’ quarterback this year is Dallas’ Tony Romo. I’m reminded of a blog run last year by someone pretending to be an “angry-for-being-benched-for-Romo” Drew Bledsoe. It was hella funny. (This is the first and probably last time I’ll use that phrase.) The blog’s address? www.TonyHomo.com

How perfect is it that the name of the quarterback for the Andres rhymes with homo? Serendipity, for sure. You need proof? Homo Romo led the league in scoring on opening weekend with 25 points.

Keeping with the theme, here are the names of the rest of my players*:

ANDRE Johnson, WR
JAVON Walker, WR
TORRY Holt, WR
ADRIAN Peterson, RB
ANTONIO Gates, TE
JAY Cutler, QB
LENDALE White, RB
MARCUS Pollard, TE

Oh yeah, and…

Edgerrin James, RB
Nate Burleson, WR
Jeff Wilkins, K
(Plus the Seahawks and Panthers defenses)

My team is feeling sooper.

*Apologies to anyone named Andre, Javon, Torry, Adrian, Antonio, Jay, LenDale, or Marcus and is not gay.

The IKKFL* fantasy football league is set to kick off again in a few weeks and the big news so far is the relocation of my team from Yeosu to Anyang. In addition to the move, the team had to choose a new nickname, since the city of Yeosu sued to keep the name “Crack Addicts”. No big, really, since the Addicts severely underachieved last season.

In the process of choosing a new team name, I felt it was important that my team’s mascot be representative of two ideals: tenaciousness and intimidation. I thought to myself, “Who (or what) has let no man or immortal stand in his (or its) way in reaching the pinnacle of his (or its) industry? I also wondered, “Who would most scare the bejeezus out of me if I were to run into him in a dark alley?”

The answer was simple.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Anyang Andres.

Bring on the competition.

*I can’t remember what “IKKFL” stands for. I think “Inter-Korea Kluster Football League”. That, or “Irresistable Krispy Kreme Fat Loops”.

Damn you Rex Grossman! Damn you to hell!

Jump back two weeks. The Crack Addicts, 2-3 following a resounding 70-31 victory over the Hahoe Mask Drama, were poised to reach the .500 mark as they held a seemingly insurmountable 26-point lead over the Samcheong-dong Rabid Marmots going into the Monday night game. The Addicts had the aforementioned Grossman and Muhsin Muhammad left to score points while the Marmots countered with Anquan Boldin and Thomas Jones. This one was in the books.

But then the unthinkable occured. Grossman played what may have been the single worst game in history for a quarterback - at least from a fantasy football perspective. Four interceptions and two fumbles. Six turnovers from one player!!! The end result was minus seven points. Adding insult to injury, Muhammad scored zero points because of Grossman’s ineptitude. Meanwhile, the Marmots got 16 points from Boldin (against the Bears’ defense!) and five from Jones. A twenty-eight point swing and the Addicts were dealt an absolutely devastating two-point loss.

Still reeling from the defeat, last week I made what I fear is going to prove to be a horrible trade. Darrell Jackson for Byron Leftwich. Right after the trade went through Leftwich was added to the Jaguars’ injury report. He ended up playing, but was ineffective as the Jaguars got smacked by the Texans of all teams. Jackson simply went on to put up 16 points. Wallowing in a funk from the Grossman debacle, my team whimpered to an 18 point loss to the Itaewon Sweet Life last week. I may have to change the team’s name to the Crap Addicts.

One would think that on a team called the Crack Addicts you could expect high productivity from players located in the state of Florida. Alas, two of the biggest drags on my team this season have been my second and third round picks, Carnell Williams (Tampa Bay) and Chris Chambers (Miami). Not only that but Carnell’s nickname is “Cadillac”. I mean, come on!!! There has never been a greater match between player and team in the history of fantasy football. It doesn’t appear either player is going to pick up as the season progresses, though I haven’t entirely given up hope.

On the bright side, I managed to acquire Rex Grossman (Chicago) who through four weeks is looking less-and-less likely to be a fluke. Another reason for optimism, my team’s division is mired in mediocrity. Plenty of time left to make a run.

The standings a quarter of the way through the season:

Baekche W L PF PA
Hwayang Wangjabyungs 2 2 309 248
BuPyeong Silverbacks 2 2 275 242
Yeosu Crack Addicts 1 3 247 261
Bupyong-Sanggok Bulgogi 1 3 199 300

Shilla
Busan Power Outage 3 1 296 230
Wonju Wobblers 3 1 273 234
Hahoe Mask Drama 1 3 207 255
Mungyeong Flying Yangbans 1 3 191 305

Goguryeo
Itaewon Sweet Life 4 0 260 206
Oh Roh Gi Boong Oh Baang 3 1 270 224
Gangnam Georiae Namjas 2 2 262 286
Samcheong-dong Rabid Marmots 1 3 282 280

This week’s opponent: Hahoe Mask Drama - they’re going to want to hide behind that mask once the Addicts are through with them.

R.I.P. - Shinchon Street Pizzas (replaced by the Gangnam Georiae Namjas).

Not a very good start to the season for the Yeosu Crack Addicts. My starting quarterback, Trent Green, was knocked out of the game (and likely the next couple of weeks) with a concussion after scoring only one point. My receivers, Chris Chambers and Javon Walker, had subpar games - largely due to crappy play by their QBs. And one of my running backs, Carnell Williams, was stymied by back spasms and the Baltimore defense. The result: a 52-69 loss to the Busan Power Outage.

Standings after Week One:

Baekche Division W/L PF PA
Hwarang Wangjabyungs 1-0 98 27
BuPyeong Silverbacks 0-1 54 61
Bupyung-Sanggok Bulgogi 0-1 46 79
Yeosu Crack Addicts 0-1 52 69

Goguryeo Division
Itaewon Sweet Life 1-0 61 54
Oh Roh Gi Boong Oh Baang 1-0 69 44
Samcheong-dong Rabid Marmots 1-0 79 46
Shinchon Street Pizzas 0-1 50 72

Shilla Division
Busan Power Outage 1-0 69 52
Wonju Wobblers 1-0 72 50
Hahoe Mask Drama 0-1 44 69
Mungyeong Fighting Yangbans 0-1 27 98

Week 2 opponent: Mungyeong Fighting Yangbans. The Addicts should be able to get in the win column.

The Insular Korean Kluster (IKK) Fantasy Football League is about to kick off its inaugural season. Founded by Andy (aka “The Flying Yangban”) of Marmot’s Hole fame, the league consists of twelve teams owned by sterling members (or former members) of the expat community in Korea. I’m proud to announce that yours truly is an owner of one of the teams – the Yeosu Crack Addicts. The team’s nickname was chosen following months of exhaustive research into the turbulent history of Yeosu as a gangster-ridden harbor town where drugs were frequently trafficked and distributed throughout Korea. Okay, you can call bullshit on that one. Actually it was just the first name that popped into my head. I momentarily considered the “Turtle Ships” and the “Admirals” but, honestly, in a game defined by speed, balls, and white lines, can you think of a more formidable adversary than a Crack Addict? I thought not.

Years from now, when the IKK has grown into a mammoth money-making machine, I shall look back wistfully upon these formative years. But for now, I’m looking forward to kicking the collective asses of the following teams:

Baekche Division (my team’s division)
Bupyeong Silverbacks
Hwayang Wangjabyungs
Bupyung-Sangbok Bulgogi

Shilla Division
Mungyeong Fighting Yangbans
Wonju Wobblers
Busan Power Outage
Hahoe Mask Drama

Goguryeo Division
Samcheong-dong Rabid Marmots
Itaewon Sweet Life
Shinchon Street Pizzas
Oh Roh Gi Boong Oh Baang

Ladies and gentlemen, your Crack Addicts:

Starters

QB – Trent Green, Kansas City Chiefs
RB – Edgerrin James, Arizona Cardinals
RB – Carnell Williams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
WR – Chris Chambers, Miami Dolphins
WR – Darrell Jackson, Seattle Seahawks
TE – Antonio Gates, San Diego Chargers
D – Seattle Seahawks
K – Josh Brown, Seattle Seahawks

Bench

QB – Steve McNair, Baltimore Ravens
RB – Mike Bell, Denver Broncos
WR – Muhsin Mohammed, Chicago Bears; Ernest Wilford, Jacksonville Jaguars Javon Walker, Denver Broncos (can’t believe the Wobblers dropped him)
TE – L.J. Smith, Philadelphia Eagles
D – Dallas Cowboys

Week One victim: Busan Power Outage